Why Alcohol is a Many Splendored Thing
by Kuja no Miko
Summary: truncated title] Vidanric and Russav exchange letters and muse on love, and like all confused young suitors, get smashingly drunk in the pursuit of some young ladies.


Why Alcohol is a Many-Splendored Thing, or, Cousins Don't Let Cousins Muse Drunk 

The universe, characters, etc. belong to Sherwood Smith.

Dear Russav,

I happen to find myself in a predicament. I've been asked by Branaric to accompany him and Nee (oh, I know, Tamara is probably quite, uh, perturbed that she's missing her chance to kiss and make up with you without her cousin around to observe, hint hint) to Tlanth. Yes, Tlanth. The place where _she_ is; I'm getting this out of the way now, to hopefully be saved from your teasing later when I return. If I return, that is, with the stories of the Hillfolk from when we were children and perhaps being skinned alive and eaten by the local villagers (as Galdran would have liked us to think).

I now face spending many weeks in the company of a woman that, to put it succinctly, would like to shove my face in the mud and bludgeon me to death with the wooden crutch she had to put up with the first time we met each other. And I have the choice of being the third wheel to Branaric and Nee as they explore the changes to Tlanth, or letting aforementioned woman do aforementioned deed.

Really, Russav - have I ever abandoned you in your time of need? You had better be back in Remalna-city by the time I am, because as you know, Branaric also wants to bring his sister back with him, and Gods forbid she comes unprepared. I have plans for you, cousin; it is time you paid me back all those favours from our rowdy childhoods.

- With much love, Danric

Dear lovely (in a very platonic way) Vidanric,

I arrived back in Remalna-city yesterday - I was already on my way when your letter was sent. I resent the fact that you deem to use me to your own ends by way of calling in old favours, regardless of whether or not they are owed. You could at least have the common courtesy to tell me what said favours are, instead of making me wait with uncalled amounts of anticipation for you to indulge me.

In the meantime, take it easy with your young would-be bludgeoner - she wouldn't dare, unless you gave her due reason to, which I'm sure you will not, dear cousin? Really, I think the servants would balk at having to clean the blood of the Marquis of Shevraeth off the cobblestones.

As for Tamara, I am having dinner with her tonight. Whether or not we'll get to actually eat depends on her mood. I'm sincerely thinking of grabbing a light snack before I head over to her rooms.

Oh, and Danric? If you go out riding, watch for those pesky traps, won't you?

- With even more love, Russav

Dear _cousin,_ Russav

I take offense at your lack of faith in my riding abilities. I suppose we'll have to remedy that with a duel when I return?

Anyhow, I've survived this long with nary an injury. Well, there were the village boys that weren't watching their way while kicking a ball around, but once I got off the ground and my groin didn't quite hurt as much, I told them to come out of hiding and that they weren't in any trouble. I do not have to mention that that particular incident stays only between us, right, Russav?

But the more important message I have to convey was Branaric's shock at finding his sister running around in an old tunic and socializing with the servants. I admit, I didn't expect that either, but I've seen her looking her worst and this was considerably better. I suppose Bran expected to find his sister in a court gown having chocolate with the village women.

What I fear the most, Russav, is that even if she was only in such simple dress looking like a commoner, she was still the most gorgeous woman I have ever laid eyes on, and I still want her as much as I ever had.

- Confused, Danric

Dear love-struck Danric,

Word has come that you'll be riding back to Remalna-city soon, so I expect your reply to this letter to be in person. Wonderful, because I always love to have the last word.

First, the usual update: Tamara and I have had nary a fight since we made up. I'm rather enjoying this, although I admit I miss the passion of making up. Every day I continue to think of proposal. However, the thought of a fight that we could not make up from haunts me right now. Well, that and having that temper in any daughter of mine. Having to deal with it in one woman is quite enough for me, I'm not a glutton for punishment, as much as my friendship with you would have people think of me. What do you think, by the way, Danric?

As for your woman problems, I have but this to say - Remalna deserves a Queen that can rule fairly, and a Queen that can understand all her people. However, a King who does not love his Queen cannot love his people, so choose wisely, Vidanric. But I do ask, I wonder if she can fit into that old Goldenwood throne that hasn't been used in generations since the time before the stocky Merindars took over?

- Your fellow love-starved _cousin_, Russav

* * *

"Gods, Russav, why'd you let me get drunk last night?" 

"For the same reason you let me?" A bucket scraped across the floor, to be promptly hit by a mouthful of vomit.

"We haven't done this since we were training together."

"You haven't; unfortunately, I hang out with a good deal many more unsavory characters than you do. That doesn't explain your higher alcohol tolerance though, damn you."

"I guess I've been blesse-" Neither man knew that projectile vomit could, indeed, be aimed. Thankfully, the target was the bucket.

"Blessed? If only that worked with you and love, Danric!"

"I shouldn't have done this, I've got a reputation to keep up."

"Maybe if you had gotten her drunk..."

"Have your morals degenerated that much in the short time I've been gone?"

"Of course not! Most men take jests much better when drunk, but you are the opposite, dear cousin."

"That would be because I'm hungover with a splitting headache, not drunk. Drunk was last night. This morning is when I hit you over the head with that bucket." Both men knew this was an empty threat, for the effort needed to reach the bucket and throw it was far too much at this point.

"I never thought we'd see the day where we drowned our sorrows in alcohol over women troubles. Really, Danric, aren't we supposed to be the most eligible bachelors in Remalna?"

"What about Flauvic?"

"Oh, we're much more desirable. We actually see the sun!" Realizing that laughing, especially at such a weak joke, hurt very much and wasn't worth it, Russav rolled over and promptly fell off the couch he had previously been occupying.

"Maybe we deserve it. I mean, Meliara is taking to your flirting rather well, and Tamara is trying to permanently attach herself to me. Is this what we get for tampering with the natural order of things?"

"It was your idea in the first place!"

Sighing, Danric looked at his cousin wearily and finally decided the effort needed to hit him with the bucket was justified.

He crawled out of the room a few seconds later, at realizing the bucket didn't only shut Savona up, but sent him back to the world of unconsciousness, and he didn't want to be there when his burlier cousin woke up.

* * *

Written for Yuletide '05. 


End file.
